As you may recall, last week, in my newsletter, I shared the five common situational confidences.

Hopefully by now, you have a better sense of what causes your confidence to go up and down like a roller coaster. You can be on the top one minute, and feel your confidence sink the next.
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To stay more even-keeled, think of confidence like a bank account. You want to make regular deposits into your confidence bank, so you can stay positive when people and situations make withdrawals on your confidence.

The key to having a more sustained level of confidence is to make more deposits. The ways you can make deposits into your confidence bank account are numerous. Here are a few you might try:

• Project a positive presence. This goes beyond good grooming (but does include good grooming). A positive presence is projected through good posture, a smiling face, and a quick and light step. If you don’t believe this, then try this experiment:
  • Walk into a convenience store with slumped shoulders, eyes diverted, feet slow. Pay attention to how people react to you – if they even react at all. You may feel that you are invisible.
  • Now walk into a convenience store with a positive presence – good posture, light step, smiling face. Hold the door for someone. Look them in the eye and say “hello”. Now, how do people respond to you?

One of the take-aways from this experiment is this: When you project a positive presence, most people respond to you in a positive way. That in turn gives your confidence a boost. When you have a bland or negative presence, most people ignore you – and that in turn diminishes your confidence.

• Make a list of things you like about yourself. It’s okay to be a little egotistical here. Include in this list the positive things your friends and family say about you. Not only is it important to like yourself, it helps to be aware of your positive attributes. Keep the list and refer to it prior to going into situations that seem intimidating. You will be reminded that you have value!
• Pay attention to your self-talk. Is it negative? Critical? Blaming? Hurtful? If so, switch the language to positive comments. You have wonderful qualities and you also have some “needs improvements”. Yes, you may be disorganized at times AND you also do wonderful things for other people. You are a blend of your positive traits, sprinkled in with a few areas that may “need improvement”. Seek self-acceptance, not perfection.
• Recognize your mistakes for what they are. Most mistakes can be defined as mistakes of ambition. This means that you are trying something new, solving a problem, working too hard, or trying to do more than you are actually capable of accomplishing given your resources. You will make mistakes. And when you do, take responsibility. Raise your hand and say, “I goofed.” Then, seek a solution, learn your lesson, and move on.
• Be supportive of others. People who are overly self-critical are usually critical of others. When you put yourself in the position of helping, not judging, you will find that you judge yourself less.

Confidence can be developed. Sure – it seems that some people were born with a leg up in life. We all know people who started life in a supportive, nurturing family that provided the opportunities for them to get ahead. But many, many successful people have had to pull themselves up by their boot straps and go it alone. They took responsibility for their lives and you can too.

Stay tuned for the final week: Is confidence a sprint or a marathon?

Do you ever find yourself feeling really confident in some situations, and nervous and uncertain in others? This happens for one of two reasons:

The first reason is that our confidence is directly related to our ability to predict the outcome of a situation. In circumstances where we know what to expect, and we have had prior or similar experiences, we are naturally more confident. It’s like driving through a well-known part of town versus being in an unfamiliar city, full of road construction. On the well-traveled route, you can drive with confidence and not worry about losing your way. However, in new territory, you might find yourself anxious, hesitant, and unsure – questioning every turn especially if you lose the signal to your GPS.

In situations that are unknown, like the first day on a new job, we have to figure out how to belong to the group, learn everyone’s name, learn how to get around, and how to perform the tasks of our job. It takes time to “get our bearings”.

Familiarity breeds confidence. In new situations, or situations where you cannot predict the outcome, here are a few tips to help you feel more confident:

1. Project as much confidence as possible. Think of the old adage, “Fake it till you make it.”
2. Pay attention to others and adjust your behavior accordingly. For example, if the group is more subdued and formal, avoid being overly gregarious and comedic.
3. Connect with one other person as quickly as possible to begin establishing a relationship.
4. Give yourself positive messages, even a simple mantra that you use when you are feeling anxious or uncertain.

The second reason we feel our confidence fluctuate is related to specific situations in which we find ourselves. This is referred to as situational confidence.
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Listed below are the most common types of situations where confidence – or lack of it – shows up. As you read the list, assess your confidence in each area. Prepare for the next time you find yourself in these situations and make attempts to raise your level of confidence.

By now you probably have a better sense of what causes your confidence to go up and down like a roller coaster. You can be on the top one minute, and feel your confidence sink the next.

To stay more even-keeled, think of confidence like a bank account. You want to make regular deposits into your confidence bank, so you can stay positive when people and situations make withdrawals on your confidence.

The key to having a more sustained level of confidence is to make more deposits. Here are a few ways you can make deposits into your confidence account:

• Project a positive presence — This goes beyond good grooming (but does include good grooming). A positive presence is projected through good posture, a smiling face, and a quick and light step. If you don’t believe this, then try this experiment:
  • Walk into a convenience store with slumped shoulders, eyes diverted, feet slow. Pay attention to how people react to you – if they even react at all. You may feel that you are invisible.
  • Now walk into a convenience store with a positive presence – good posture, light step, smiling face. Hold the door for someone. Look them in the eye and say “hello”. Now, how do people respond to you?

One of the take-aways from this experiment is this: When you project a positive presence, most people respond to you in a positive way. That in turn gives your confidence a boost. When you have a bland or negative presence, most people ignore you – and that in turn diminishes your confidence.

• Make a list of things you like about yourself. It’s okay to be a little egotistical here. Include in this list the positive things your friends and family say about you. Not only is it important to like yourself, it helps to be aware of your positive attributes. Keep the list handy and refer to it prior to going into situations that seem intimidating. You will be reminded that you have value!
• Pay attention to your self-talk. Is it negative? Critical? Blaming? Hurtful? If so, switch the language to positive comments. You have wonderful qualities and you also have some “needs improvements”. Yes, you may be disorganized at times AND you also do wonderful things for other people. You are a blend of your positive traits, sprinkled in with a few areas that may “need improvement”. Seek self-acceptance, not perfection.
• Recognize your mistakes for what they are. Most mistakes can be defined as mistakes of ambition. This means that you are trying something new, solving a problem, working too hard, or trying to do more than you are actually capable of accomplishing given your resources. You will make mistakes. And when you do, take responsibility. Raise your hand and say, “I goofed.” Then, seek a solution, learn your lesson, and move on.
• Be supportive of others. People who are overly self-critical are usually critical of others. When you put yourself in the position of helping, not judging, you will find that you judge yourself less.

Confidence can be developed. Sure – it seems that some people were born with a leg up in life. We all know people who started life in supportive and nurturing families that provided opportunities for them to get ahead. But many, many successful people have had to pull themselves up by their boot straps and go it alone. They took responsibility for their lives and you can too.
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Watch for next week’s newsletter as it is part 3 of this series on Confident You.

Do you remember the last time you felt on top of the world? You felt invincible – ready to take on whatever life would throw your way. Perhaps it was the perfect spring day, sun shining, breeze softly blowing, and flowers bursting into bloom. Your mood matched the moment. You felt capable, positive, and alive!

Or maybe you just landed a new client, got a call from a “certain someone” or received praise for a job well done. Just thinking about those moments can cause a lift in your spirits, bring a smile to your face, and a bounce to your step.

That’s mojo! You know what it is. You’ve heard the phrases, “He’s got his mojo back.” “My mojo’s working!” “Watch out, she’s got mojo!”

And we know exactly what the feeling and words are all about. But just in case you don’t, according to the urban dictionary, mojo is a slang term used to describe self-confidence or a belief in one’s self in a situation. Mojo is also the belief in your ability to bounce back after life throws you a curve ball – and we all know that life will throw us an occasional curve ball.

This week’s BLOG is Part one of a four-part series and is designed to help you get more mojo in your life – or recapture it if yours has gone missing. We will take a look at confidence; what it is and what it isn’t. We will explore the difference between natural confidence and situational confidence, and how to gauge your confidence level and improve it. And finally, we will talk about how to make deposits in your confidence bank account.

Confidence – What Is It Really?
In 1966 a new television series aired and was an instant success. Marlo Thomas starred as Anne Marie in the weekly sitcom, That Girl. The show was historically significant because it was the first time in television that a young, single, career woman played the lead character on a television program. But, the most important thing about the show is that Anne Marie was portrayed as a confident, independent, single woman. Most females on television up to that point were dependent on a husband, boyfriend, or friends to carry the story and were secondary characters. Not That Girl. Sure, Anne Marie did have a great haircut, was physically appealing, and, of course, was a fictional television character. But what she represented was something that spoke to the hearts of a new generation. That Girl was confident. She defined her life instead of letting life define her. She liked herself and was true to herself. And she had her share of foibles, failures, and flukes. But when it was all said and done, she smiled at the world, and with flair her persona shouted, “I’m going to make it! I can count on myself. I am okay!” She had mojo! She had confidence!

Confidence is about letting go of the need to be what others want you to be and becoming who you are destined to be. Confidence is about being comfortable in our own skin. We are confident when who we are on the outside is congruent with who we are on the inside. It’s about experiencing self-worth – knowing that we are valued and valuable. Confidence is the belief that whatever comes our way, we can handle. It is like an aura that surrounds us, making us aware of what we can do and giving us faith in our ability to try.

Our inner most desire is to be accepted for who we are – to be okay. But for many of us, somewhere along the way we went from being a celebrated infant and toddler to being told what to do and who to be. Here’s a story that says it all:
Zeke was a typical 6-year-old boy — full of life, laughter, and mischief. As adults are prone to do, someone asked him one day, “Zeke, what do you want to be when you grow up.” He looked up excitedly and replied, “Zeke!”

Now fast forward several years. Someone asks him again, “Zeke, what do you want to be when you grow up.” His reply, “I guess I’ll be Zeke, that’s what people call me, anyway.”

As you take time to think about this story, you can see the profound implications. As children we lose bits and pieces of who we are, thinking that we must become the person that others want us to be.

Then we grow into the tumultuous teenage years, trying to differentiate ourselves from our parents by becoming carbon copies of our peers. And self-esteem is determined by how much we “fit in.”
We eventually outgrow that phase (hopefully) and as young adults begin to realize and appreciate our uniqueness. Yet, we continue to struggle with meeting a certain standard and measuring up to a specific image. If we are not aware, life becomes a contest of comparing and competing. We look around a room to see if we are the smartest, the healthiest, the most popular, the wealthiest, or the best dressed. The old adage, “The one with the most toys, wins!” can easily make life more about having and less about being. Self-worth is the recognition that who we are defines us – not what we have.
​Stay tuned for next week to learn why your confidence goes up and down.